Previously called because they came into my life difficulties to prove myself, prove my faith, my hope to try, see how they could endure, if that boy was going to be gracious even in adversity. And today, I do not know if I passed the exam .
Life does not give you the things you want often, but not because they want to deny it, but because it is not already prepared to receive them. Life gives us what we need, either to our training process, and to feel better .
If last year, my quest was to find people with whom to share with my tastes, someone with whom to socialize, belonging to a group, feel part of something, now is to look for myself, and have peace. The rest are excuses, are luxuries are things that still require.
all started from my study tour, even before getting to that beautiful Busscar, I was devoting to God, had been recently baptized, read the Bible every day, noted the passages that I arrived, the school, but not rigor, but by choice. Had, then, a great peace, he felt he was on the right track, at the right time. I think never, not even my first kiss, I felt so ... done, so complete. But in the tour but I did nothing wrong, if we fail to maintain the routine of reading the Bible every night, not to study it, and I make excuses, but we all know that excuses are just lack of will. My summer was a slow fall, I knew I was falling into the precipice. Assumed, then, that my course could help, that would be nice people with whom I could share my vision of things, and that could help lift the process, to encourage me. But that did not happen.
the first day I arrived without much expectations, I never do them. And instead of seeing a similar course to mine, I find people with hyper-defined political positions, almost like boxes. Atheists default number, is not so, some of which disqualified religion still do not even know how the religions in a direct collision with what I needed. My smile faded away over time. As described by the metaphor of the little machine, I was filled with shock, super sad. I felt sorry for my teammates because they made fun of God still had not even known or tried to learn more about, because God is not a church, not a building is not just a word. And gave me more trouble because they had so many problems, I do not even fixed both defects, though I pointed it the here and could not help at all, felt that it was (and is) my world, I could not tell that God did have the key to solving their problems, God's word does say true things, I try like crazy, basically, would be to be a prophet, someone hated by society. But rather than be afraid of that society hates me (in fact, I've never imported them hate me), I knew that if I did that way in the end they never come close to God and end up away to be me in a position so critical and so defined.
I was angry with them, not by its position, any position is valid. I was angry because I do not know much grief, my soul automatically processed the grief and transforms it into anger. Who restrain anger, anger that comes to light, anger that I drink like a child swallows a mints. I had the great idea to change course, wanted to leave that den of doom, as my course is better academically fungus. The fellow that I have, you get the stick to get it, do not worry about anything serious, just think in eggs and if they have not even pose problems to overcome. Where will reach peak well! But I continue, I will not stray from topic.
Until the mid-year had a balance, it was not so lined with transportation (which is the patch solution, escape with all the shit I hear every day in my beloved course.) I declared an anti-humanist , not because I want to eliminate them, but because if humanism means being always seeing the glass half empty, cause pain, anguish, sadness, anger, helplessness in the people around me, being allergic to mathematical and have no desire to excel, to be useless, they spent reading adoring writers when they are just human beings and being an atheist does not believe in anything ... then I prefer be an indecisive, someone without a country, without belonging to anything, it only believes in himself, God and the people who believe worth. Because that is hopeful pucha arrive on a Monday morning and see how they kill animals, how to kill unborn babies (and say it should be legal, yuck) and that man has the "freedom to decide" ... when hopefully decide when to go to the bathroom.
My homeostasis is broke, I labored to transport because nobody was interested in me. Ment, if people were interested, but did not know read my eyes. When I needed a friend, I looked for people who a few years ago no longer be said my best friends, people I had a lot of confidence, but it was not the same. I touched his door and no one opened. No hueón
opened the door when I needed them most . When I needed to tell me "I'm with you," left me alone. And there I was, I walked down the leseando that humanity worth mushroom, that life was meaningless if nobody could accompany me in defeat, if nobody could realize how bad it was (although the teacher Paulina yeah saw something). But I found a way out, thanks to my friends driver (Don Cristián) managed to hold on for months, because, although he may have no idea, talk to him about life, God and everyday things made me feel better, not even heard because I was not talking about my problems, but together made me feel cheerful. Just then I ended up falling as well, but subsided fall sick, and when I was on the floor, his eyes red-blooded and rage, thanks to one of his phrases I managed to get.
All those old friends, bam! get out to hell, and I do not have more people to such situations. From now on, pure Jesus, because He never leaves the other, humans do. (That I keep so far, with some exceptions for new friends) I managed to socialize, later, to transport several people, some classmates, so I started to feel some stability. But everything with that horrible feeling of having a load in the backpack, the backpack of life. Feel my soul imprisoned in this world, the sadness, rage, darkness gives me this area dusty. I dreamed to break free, to feeling like an angel wings and fly to God, away from everything, because once they left me alone I realized I did not need.
wish I could make myself clear, take my soul and heal whatever as long as required, take the stones that make me such a burden and remove them one by one, get rid of all these pressures, all these threats to my faith. And now, now I will give the great battle. Cause you had me on the floor, you could have made me to mourn the deepest, ultimately discovered many of my weaknesses, but not overcome, a hand stopped you when you were going to give great thrust, and now, that same hand which I lifted, not human hand, invisible hand, wonderful hand.
cover me in your light Oh take me from the darkness, send an eagle to get me through the valley of tears, and if I still have time here, bríndame a canteen for water, left a sword in the way take it and fight, fight to the end. Because I will not surrender, and less knowing that this time I did the right thing. Forget the compass, I will leave next to my memory, because from now on, I move my heart to you as you guide, restore me, ever want to be the same as before.
Ariel Cruz - 12/12/2009
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